This is not my ceiling
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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