If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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