If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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