How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
