What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
