Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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