Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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