It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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