There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
