I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
