OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
