why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
