Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
