I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
