I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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