That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he shaved USA in his pubs
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
