I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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