so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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