i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
