We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
