I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
