It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
