There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
