Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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