I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
