she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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