Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize