im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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