I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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