Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
