Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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