i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
