Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
