so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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