so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My breasts were aching with rage.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
