I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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