friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
