We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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