I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
