Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
