He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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