I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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