We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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