somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
