i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
