I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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