We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize