I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
