youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
