I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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