I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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