oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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