i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
