sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
