I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
