You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize