Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize