Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
