I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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