the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
