watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
