I wish I only lived at night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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