ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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